This is the Captain Speaking..I've Been Fired

If you lost your job this week due to grabbing the ass of the gal in accounting during your Christmas party, don't feel too bad.  

Imagine how Capt. Owen Honors commander of the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise feels.

I mean, all he did was demean gays and women. You know, many of the people he is in charge of?
It was a silly little mistake. Stimulating masturbation and exposing his Captain-Queeg  balls in a lewd movie he then previewed to his entire crew was all about raising morale. Now he's been relieved of his command.

Where's the love Mr. President?

Maybe it's time to retire Mr. Honor. Seriously, there's no shame in calling it quits if your boss- the US Government- doesn't appreciate you OR your sense of humor, right? You need to find a place where you can express your creativity and your un-politically correct sense of humor. You need a job where you can spread your legs, er, wings and fly like the Top Gun you were meant to be!

So listen up Maverick, while it's still a fresh New Year, here are a few jobs just right for  you. Think about it: you certainly don't want to end up  flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong now do you?

Jobs for dis-honored Capt. Honors:


http://www.cruisejobfinder.com/JobDescriptions/activity_entertainment_jobs.php

http://www.standupjobs.com/



http://newjobslive.info/how-to-become-a-porn-director-making-amateur-adult-films/

Librarians (and their Jobs) Are HOT!

"I love you madly, madly, Madam Librarian...Marian
It's a long lost cause I can never win
For the civilized world accepts as unforgivable sin
Any talking out loud with any librarian
Such as Marian.....Madam Librarian."



OK, so those lyrics are from a song from the musical, "The Music Man" written about 190 years years ago, but seriously, the Librarian was played by Shirley Jones...you know, the mom on the Partridge Family...HOT!!!! (I know, the male lead was gay, but even, he was hot for the Librarian!)

So let's ask ourselves, WHY  are Librarians always cast as the smart hotties? Could it be that only they know the secrets of the Dewey Decimal System?  Sure. We’ve all got our preconceived notions about who Librarians are and what they do.  Many people think of Librarians as boring worker bees, shelving and “Shhh-ing” people. But hold the phone! Librarians have degrees.  They go to graduate school for Library and Information Science and become masters of data systems and Human-Computer Interaction.  Librarians can catalog anything--  They could catalog you.  Librarians wield universal powers. People become Librarians because they're too smart to go into politics.  Librarians are all-knowing and all-seeing.  They bring order to chaos.  They bring wisdom and culture to the masses and they protect the First Amendment like it was their baby.  Librarians rule. And no matter what their age- they..are..hot!

Sorry, I got  little carried away there, but so should you. Here's the deal; if you're smarter than say, EVERYONE, you too should be a librarian. Or maybe you already have that library degree and your budget was cut and your city was stupid enough to put you on the "Hold" shelf. So, because you taught us all how to read, we have some awesome jobs for you dear Librarian. And don't worry, you can never be replaced by a computer because you are...the original search engine.

Executive Director
Brooklyn Public Library, Brooklyn, New York

http://joblist.ala.org/modules/jobseeker/Executive-Director/15741.cfm

Digital Initiatives/Metadata Librarian
Portland State University, Portland, Oregon http://joblist.ala.org/modules/jobseeker/Digital-InitiativesMetadata-Librarian/15742.cfm Library Specialist Contra Costa County Library, Pleasant Hill, California  http://joblist.ala.org/modules/jobseeker/Library-Specialist/15753.cfm

I Need to Fire Myself.

Seriously. I have not blogged for a month. Is that any way to promote a book? I think not, so I am going to have ask myself to step into my office and say, "We need to talk."
Sigh. Nothing worse than firing yourself.

But I can take it. I've been fired by the best of them.
When I worked at the funeral parlour, my boss- an ex-stripper-now-funeral director, fired me for not doing my job. Not that SHE did her job, but the grand puba's in the Funeral Home wondered why there were bills from our office for parties. Well DUH, my boss was an ex-stripper! (as well as Miss Jugs, 1989.)
Someone had to take the fall. I got over it.

Another time I was fired from the 'Big and Tall Ladies Underwear Department' at a fancy store. I weighed 95 pounds. Hell, I couldn't even lift those panties. The clientele didn't really want a little skinny girl selling them girdles, so I got the old. "You just don't fit the job," talk. Pun probably not intended.

So, since I have been flying around the country trying to plan my first-born daughter's wedding and NOT promoting the book, so I should be fired. Or at least given a very stern talking to.

Jobs for fired writers:

Newspaper Delivery Jobs--
http://hotjobs.yahoo.com/job-J0JGXQQZBHU;_ylc=X3oDMTEwc2ZoY2ZqBF9TAzM5NjUxMDMzNQRjYXQDT1RIBHBjb2RlAzU0OTI2?source=partner&scode=54926

Inserter-
http://www.communicationsjobs.net/job.asp?id=25651392&aff=925A0F9A-7C85-4AAD-A3D2-5E5C81892E2F&utm_source=Indeed&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=Indeed

And writers for porn
http://www.sexyjobs.com/writers.asp

Finding F***ing Mel Gibson a F***ing Job!

Well now Mr. Pottymouth, it looks like your anger is going to help you lose a 30-year career.
Mel Gibson, actor, director and producer, was recently dropped (Hollywood word for "Fired.") by his agent William Morris Endeavor Entertainment amid allegations that he assaulted and made death threats against his ex-girlfriend. This is so are not going to help in a new job search.

It looks like his new movie called, umm, 'Beaver,' is going to bomb and he has been quoted saying he has money problems.

("You're a f---ing mentally deprived idiot. You can't even f---ing figure it out, I'm paying the tax money instead of the credit card. Don't you get it?" he told his ex-lover.)


A a woman, I don't condone this behavior for one minute, but I am forgiving and always want to help people have second, third.... OK, I lost count, but I want to help people find a job. (It's a good thing that I'm not Russian, Jewish, African-American or Latino, because I might not be so forgiving.)

But on to finding Mad Max a new job.

I've got to admit, this one is going to take some soul searching. First off, Mel might not walk away with a good reference from his former employer- you know, the public- but there is hope.

 Mel's got some special skills.

While he probably wouldn't be a fit working in law enforcement, he does own a lot of guns.  Perhaps a job as a gunsmith or in firearm sales?
www.shootingsearch.com

The actor who once stared in a movie called, "What Women Want," apparently doesn't know what women want, so any work in a woman's spa or salon is probably not a good career fit. But, since he's quick with his hands, how about finding a gig where he can spar for 8 hours a day?
http://laboxing.com/connect/employment/

And of course, everyone wants a job that they are passionate about, so....www.churchjobs.net/

So there you go- everyone deserves a job after they've screwed up and been fired- even a racist, sexist, narcissistic guy like Mel Gibson. And Mel, if none of these careers work out I have one final dream job that would be perfect for a swell guy like you: http://www.mahalo.com/how-to-become-a-walmart-greeter
  No need to call and thank me Mel. No really, DO NOT CALL ME!

Jobs Hot Enough to Melt Ice Caps

Do you want your job to do its part for the environment?

 Do you want a gig that can cool down even the biggest -of-shots? Are you touchy-feely and knead to have hands-on experience before you can accept any cash/paychecks?
Well, this is your lucky day!

According to the most recent report released by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, careers in the massage industry are in-demand. In fact, the report projects that the growth of massage therapist positions will increase by 19 percent through 2018.

Not bad for having to work on sweaty naked people. Or is it? Standing on your feet all day pounding-a-pound-of-flesh can be tiring. Sometimes your client can get the wrong idea..after all, they ARE naked.


But at the end of the day, working as a Massuse or Masseur (That's French you know. They have the best words.) for people thinking with their umm, heads, can be rewarding both monetarily and personally. That's what I hope for you all in this scary economy.
A happy ending.

Massage schools--- http://pmi.edu/contact.asp
http://www.naturalhealers.com/feat-massage.shtml
Jobs---http://www.massagejobs.com/aboutMassageJobsCanada.shtml 
and
 http://www.massagejobs.com/
AND

 http://www.massageenvycareers.com/

And because not everyone wants to go to college:
http://www.chezstella.org/stella/?q=en/pamela&PHPSESSID=ee4d3567fd1428af8878c25d659c9554

General Jobs for Fired Generals

You know, no matter how indispensable you THINK you are, your ass can still be fired. I mean, sure you can come in late and take long-ass lunches and steal an office supply or two. Maybe you can even get away with drinking too much at the office Christmas party, but when it comes to covering up the death of a  professional football star-turned-star Army volunteer-- Pat Tillman-- killed by friendly fire and then diss your boss in Rolling Stone Magazine, well dude, I mean come on! Just because you wear a fancy suit with stars and ribbons and have a your own Jeep and a lot of people working under you doesn't mean you get to be a complete asshole and not get your comupance.

But, now that you've found yourself out on the street with the million of other folks who are jobless, take your pension and free-lifetime health care and look for another job. Hell, your wife probably doesn't want to give up those PX shopping privaleges so you better get back to work.

Lucky for you I have sympathy for your digressions because I think you've probably learned from your mistakes. (You know like don't cover up deaths and don't call out the Prez in magazines for stoner's. Just reminding you.)

With that said and moving on, put on some real clothes, say Dockers and a golf shirt, have a beer, tell your posse to go home and check out these jobs fit for a general. At ease soldier!

General Mills- mycereal.com/corporate/careers/index.aspx

General Dynamics- http://www.generaldynamics.com/employment/employ_menu.htm 


General Tool & Supply Co- http://www.allportlandjobs.com/JobSeekers/EmployersProfile.aspx?EmployerId=33381a16-e0b9-4e4c-8001-3e93a595e82d


General Store- http://www.careerbuilder.com/JobSeeker/Jobs/JobDetails.aspx?ipath=EXIND&siteid=cbindeed&Job_DID=J3I1DC6410QLPQMC2KJ&cbRecursionCnt=1&cbsid=467c5a85d1294b62975df5675a544770-330699423-RG-4

LADUMA! Let's Find You a Job in Soccer!

I love diski. When I'm not plugging the book or jolling I watch  the World Cup as often as I can.

If you are such a mampara and don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then you should find a job anywhere BUT in futbol! Or Football. OR for (us) Americans SOCCER!

If you want a job as in now-now, or even just-now-in this sport, then you should at least understand the slang of the people who are hosting the 2010 World Cup. Come on, put down that smiley, I mean I know they're fooken nca, bro, but you need a job! (OK, that was FUN!)

But seriously- more than a billion people are expected to follow the month long tournament between the world's top 32 (or is it 36? What do I know-I'm just a journalist.) soccer playing nations. That means there are a lot of people not working and you could possibly steal their jobs. OR you could find a job where you could show people how to play the game. (That might be a tad more sportsman-like.)
You could coach, referee or play for a paycheck. You could design soccer computer games, clothing or board games. You could conjure up soccer dishes or write soccer inspired songs or books. If you love soccer there is NOTHING that can stop you from finding or creating a job that co-mingles your passion for the sport with a paycheck.
Hayibo... are you paying attention to me or watching the game? Hey! Stop blowing on that annoying vuvuzela and apply for a damn job in soccer. (Go look this stuff up. There's a thing called the Internet. Sigh.)



SOCCER JOBS! GOOOOOOOOOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://mls.teamworkonline.com/teamwork/jobs/default.cfm

https://jobs.eku.edu/applicants/jsp/shared/position/JobDetails.jsp?time=1276555592340

http://www.trinitydc.edu/offices/hr/Jobs/Assistant_Women%27s_Soccer_Coach.html

and because soccer is so lekker-

http://www.nscaa.com/joblistings.php