Talk the Talk...for Money!

Do you talk real smart? Do you know a lot of big words? Well, then maybe you should become a speechwriter!

Seriously- this is the year to put your words in other people's mouths. There are gigs out there that pay big bucks for your words- so, you know, Fore score and all that.


Conservative:
http://www.rcjobs.com/jobseeker/job/9506737/Speechwriter/Confidential/?vnet=0

Liberal:
https://careers-clintonfoundation.icims.com/jobs/1844/job?&sn=Indeed&?mode=apply&iis=Indeed&iisn=Indeed

And Cleveland:
http://www.simplyhired.com/job-id/sqstxl42k7/executive-speechwriter-jobs/

I Love Monsters, Horror Movies, Science Fiction, and Comic Books

How the Person Who Said That Landed a Dream Job

Are there holes in your life where your skills and experiences don’t connect with your passions and dreams?
Check this out:

“I can talk to people, convince them I have good ideas," said Tiffany Giles. " I can sell cosmetics. I’m patient. I don’t give up easily. I have a creative imagination. I know how to put makeup on people. I can draw. I can sculpt little monsters and creatures out of modeling clay. I’m a stickler for details. I can sew. I can make my own Halloween costumes. I’m a pretty good hustler.”

What’s missing? For Giles: knowing how to apply special effects makeup, experience, and money to learn the trade.

After researching the special effects makeup field and talking with someone in the job placement department at a special effects makeup school in Los Angeles, Giles applied for student loans and signed up for a program that would provide her with the necessary qualifications.

Her student loans covered most of her tuition and housing expense. For extra income, she freelanced at photography studios doing makeup for actors who needed headshots. Later she teamed up with a photographer and started a “fantasy photo portrait” business, where Giles transformed her customers with an exotic fantasy look using costumes and makeup.

Chances are you’ve met or heard of people who turned their passions into careers. Contact them and ask them how they did it. You might find out it’s easier than you imagined. Start by thinking about your obsessions, hobbies, subjects you love to talk about at parties and the kinds of magazines or websites you’re compelled to visit for clues.

Be patient, particularly in this environment. Don’t look desperate. It makes you a less attractive candidate at best, tainted goods at worst. One option is to consider offering your services on a consulting basis. Present it as a potential win-win. The company can test drive you without committing to a full-time hire, and you can likewise check out the fit. You are positioning yourself as someone with functional expertise they can use, not someone desperate for a job. If you have done a good job of understanding what you are good at you will know the strengths you can leverage in this regard.
Don’t lose heart. Dare to live your passion. The possibilities truly are unlimited.

Make Money off the Old People...

That's right...the baby boomer generation makes up more than one-third of the U.S. population. They represent a total income estimated to be well over 900 billion dollars — give or take a billion or two after the recession hit. Boomers are still the wealthiest, best educated, and most sophisticated purchasers, not to mention well-preserved, and they represent a dramatic 40 percent of total consumer demand.

The bad news for baby boomers is that they are getting old. The good news for you, if you are willing to pick up the pieces, is that this aging process is creating jobs. Boomers are creating a demand for (legal) drugs, health services, and medical supplies. Healthcare, which today makes up 16 percent of the gross national product, is three times bigger than it was in 1960, according to the Kaiser Foundation. Consequently, job openings in the healthcare field continue to grow, says a report from the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

Since June 2007, healthcare has added 348,000 jobs. In June of 2009 alone, 15,000 jobs were added in the field, 13,000 in ambulatory services. Currently, there are 1.4 million nursing-home residents, 900,000 residents in assisted-living facilities, 750,000 independent-living residents, some 150,000 use adult day services, and 1.4 million utilize home health. But that’s just today — only about half of the senior population anticipated when the boomers hit 70 and 80.

Companies that manufacture home healthcare products, such as walkers and wheelchairs, will be prospering in the next decade. This means that factory, sales, and management jobs will start popping up just as boomers’ knees start giving out. Companies such as qualitymedicalsupplies.com and alliancemedequip.com also offer jobs in this “hip” industry.

Boomers want to spend their last days in good health and comfort, so if you have a great idea for hot-pink wheelchairs or zebra-print shower chairs, get it designed and hit the patent office like some of these other brilliant minds have done.

Boomers are obsessed with not only acting and thinking young but looking young. They are fixated on external beauty, so here’s your chance to capitalize on their vanity. Aging baby boomers are seeking out the Fountain of Youth more than ever. Whether it’s to combat new wrinkles or for relaxation, they’re rushing into day spas and destination spas. Careers as estheticians and in plastic surgeons’ offices are as plentiful as the wrinkles on a boomer’s face. Estheticianjobs.com as well as skinscienceinstitute.com are great places to start your search for a gig in a spa, hotel, resort, or doctor’s office.

If you previously worked as an administrative assistant or a receptionist, there are plastic surgeons that need front and back office help. In addition to a paycheck, the perks of Botox and silicon are great benefits. Medhunters.com and medicalworkers.com are two great sites to start your search for office jobs where you get to look at “before” and “after” people all day.
Massage is another avenue that has become a hot seller. There are millions of boomers waiting for you to poke, prod, and knead them — all in the name of youth. Massageenvy.com and massagefranchisereview.com are two sites where you can find relaxing franchise opportunities. Another great resource is alternativehealthbusiness.com.
In the end, boomers will be great for the job market. It’s up to you to figure out how you’re going to take their money while creating a new life, a new job and a new attitude for yourself. What are you waiting for? They’re not getting any younger!

This is the Captain Speaking..I've Been Fired

If you lost your job this week due to grabbing the ass of the gal in accounting during your Christmas party, don't feel too bad.  

Imagine how Capt. Owen Honors commander of the aircraft carrier USS Enterprise feels.

I mean, all he did was demean gays and women. You know, many of the people he is in charge of?
It was a silly little mistake. Stimulating masturbation and exposing his Captain-Queeg  balls in a lewd movie he then previewed to his entire crew was all about raising morale. Now he's been relieved of his command.

Where's the love Mr. President?

Maybe it's time to retire Mr. Honor. Seriously, there's no shame in calling it quits if your boss- the US Government- doesn't appreciate you OR your sense of humor, right? You need to find a place where you can express your creativity and your un-politically correct sense of humor. You need a job where you can spread your legs, er, wings and fly like the Top Gun you were meant to be!

So listen up Maverick, while it's still a fresh New Year, here are a few jobs just right for  you. Think about it: you certainly don't want to end up  flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong now do you?

Jobs for dis-honored Capt. Honors:


http://www.cruisejobfinder.com/JobDescriptions/activity_entertainment_jobs.php

http://www.standupjobs.com/



http://newjobslive.info/how-to-become-a-porn-director-making-amateur-adult-films/

Librarians (and their Jobs) Are HOT!

"I love you madly, madly, Madam Librarian...Marian
It's a long lost cause I can never win
For the civilized world accepts as unforgivable sin
Any talking out loud with any librarian
Such as Marian.....Madam Librarian."



OK, so those lyrics are from a song from the musical, "The Music Man" written about 190 years years ago, but seriously, the Librarian was played by Shirley Jones...you know, the mom on the Partridge Family...HOT!!!! (I know, the male lead was gay, but even, he was hot for the Librarian!)

So let's ask ourselves, WHY  are Librarians always cast as the smart hotties? Could it be that only they know the secrets of the Dewey Decimal System?  Sure. We’ve all got our preconceived notions about who Librarians are and what they do.  Many people think of Librarians as boring worker bees, shelving and “Shhh-ing” people. But hold the phone! Librarians have degrees.  They go to graduate school for Library and Information Science and become masters of data systems and Human-Computer Interaction.  Librarians can catalog anything--  They could catalog you.  Librarians wield universal powers. People become Librarians because they're too smart to go into politics.  Librarians are all-knowing and all-seeing.  They bring order to chaos.  They bring wisdom and culture to the masses and they protect the First Amendment like it was their baby.  Librarians rule. And no matter what their age- they..are..hot!

Sorry, I got  little carried away there, but so should you. Here's the deal; if you're smarter than say, EVERYONE, you too should be a librarian. Or maybe you already have that library degree and your budget was cut and your city was stupid enough to put you on the "Hold" shelf. So, because you taught us all how to read, we have some awesome jobs for you dear Librarian. And don't worry, you can never be replaced by a computer because you are...the original search engine.

Executive Director
Brooklyn Public Library, Brooklyn, New York

http://joblist.ala.org/modules/jobseeker/Executive-Director/15741.cfm

Digital Initiatives/Metadata Librarian
Portland State University, Portland, Oregon http://joblist.ala.org/modules/jobseeker/Digital-InitiativesMetadata-Librarian/15742.cfm Library Specialist Contra Costa County Library, Pleasant Hill, California  http://joblist.ala.org/modules/jobseeker/Library-Specialist/15753.cfm

I Need to Fire Myself.

Seriously. I have not blogged for a month. Is that any way to promote a book? I think not, so I am going to have ask myself to step into my office and say, "We need to talk."
Sigh. Nothing worse than firing yourself.

But I can take it. I've been fired by the best of them.
When I worked at the funeral parlour, my boss- an ex-stripper-now-funeral director, fired me for not doing my job. Not that SHE did her job, but the grand puba's in the Funeral Home wondered why there were bills from our office for parties. Well DUH, my boss was an ex-stripper! (as well as Miss Jugs, 1989.)
Someone had to take the fall. I got over it.

Another time I was fired from the 'Big and Tall Ladies Underwear Department' at a fancy store. I weighed 95 pounds. Hell, I couldn't even lift those panties. The clientele didn't really want a little skinny girl selling them girdles, so I got the old. "You just don't fit the job," talk. Pun probably not intended.

So, since I have been flying around the country trying to plan my first-born daughter's wedding and NOT promoting the book, so I should be fired. Or at least given a very stern talking to.

Jobs for fired writers:

Newspaper Delivery Jobs--
http://hotjobs.yahoo.com/job-J0JGXQQZBHU;_ylc=X3oDMTEwc2ZoY2ZqBF9TAzM5NjUxMDMzNQRjYXQDT1RIBHBjb2RlAzU0OTI2?source=partner&scode=54926

Inserter-
http://www.communicationsjobs.net/job.asp?id=25651392&aff=925A0F9A-7C85-4AAD-A3D2-5E5C81892E2F&utm_source=Indeed&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=Indeed

And writers for porn
http://www.sexyjobs.com/writers.asp

Finding F***ing Mel Gibson a F***ing Job!

Well now Mr. Pottymouth, it looks like your anger is going to help you lose a 30-year career.
Mel Gibson, actor, director and producer, was recently dropped (Hollywood word for "Fired.") by his agent William Morris Endeavor Entertainment amid allegations that he assaulted and made death threats against his ex-girlfriend. This is so are not going to help in a new job search.

It looks like his new movie called, umm, 'Beaver,' is going to bomb and he has been quoted saying he has money problems.

("You're a f---ing mentally deprived idiot. You can't even f---ing figure it out, I'm paying the tax money instead of the credit card. Don't you get it?" he told his ex-lover.)


A a woman, I don't condone this behavior for one minute, but I am forgiving and always want to help people have second, third.... OK, I lost count, but I want to help people find a job. (It's a good thing that I'm not Russian, Jewish, African-American or Latino, because I might not be so forgiving.)

But on to finding Mad Max a new job.

I've got to admit, this one is going to take some soul searching. First off, Mel might not walk away with a good reference from his former employer- you know, the public- but there is hope.

 Mel's got some special skills.

While he probably wouldn't be a fit working in law enforcement, he does own a lot of guns.  Perhaps a job as a gunsmith or in firearm sales?
www.shootingsearch.com

The actor who once stared in a movie called, "What Women Want," apparently doesn't know what women want, so any work in a woman's spa or salon is probably not a good career fit. But, since he's quick with his hands, how about finding a gig where he can spar for 8 hours a day?
http://laboxing.com/connect/employment/

And of course, everyone wants a job that they are passionate about, so....www.churchjobs.net/

So there you go- everyone deserves a job after they've screwed up and been fired- even a racist, sexist, narcissistic guy like Mel Gibson. And Mel, if none of these careers work out I have one final dream job that would be perfect for a swell guy like you: http://www.mahalo.com/how-to-become-a-walmart-greeter
  No need to call and thank me Mel. No really, DO NOT CALL ME!