Thank You For Firing Me!

Thank You For Firing Me!
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Friday, March 26, 2010

Ex-Mistress Needs Work- Will for Once Promise to Behave....

With all these mistresses seemingly out of a job now, it looks as if I need to get involved. I mean there's Brigitte Daguerre, Melissa Smith, Michelle 'Bombshell' McGee, Devon James, Loredana Joli, Cori Rist, Rachel Uchitel...OK, all of this drama is wearing me out! But, I take my job as an anti-career expert seriously, so I want to find these young, umm, women a job befitting their stature.

What are their skills again? Hmm, let me check the web, be right back....OH, IS THAT WHAT THEY DO?
Umm, OK, I've got it! The perfect job!
Of course, as a mistress, they all want to be 'The One." But,as Star Magazine tells us, that's not always possible. So, I have found these pushy and tough young gals places to send their resumes---"That means a list of all your jobs Sweetie!"
 They all thought they were ' Head Mistress,' so I have found jobs for them to apply as...HEAD MISTRESS! (How smart am I? I know!)
 So ladies, here are a few, umm positions, that you might not be familiar with, but check it out, get a passport if applicable- there are a lot of people who would like you to leave the country, hint, hint- and reinvent yourself. You can do it and here's another big-ass hint: You don't need a man to get famous! DUH!

PS- Other than Pennsylvania, we have NO idea where these places are...but it's safe to say that TMZ won't be following you anymore....unless you screw up again. Sigh.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Join the Tea Party Movement and Earn an Honest Buck!

Do you want to protest unemployment?
Do you want to boycott joblessness?
Do you want to demonstrate your rights to work?
Well then get a freakin tea job! 

That's right, because what's more American than TEA? OK, well, Coke, and hot dogs and apple pie...and never mind! But TEA, it's such an important part of American history, right? There was that whole tea tossing episode into the Boston Harbor a thousand years ago or so...and now I hear there is this new wave of parties that celebrate tea. And teabags and other things I guess I don't understand, so I thought some of you would like to put down your signs and actually get a job. It seems that you people who like tea so much have a lot of time on your hands, so here are some diverse jobs in the tea biz that might interest you enough to stop being so mad all the time and change into some normal clothes. Sheeesh, take some deep breaths,  put on a pot of tea, grab an application and stop all the yelling.
As for me, I don't care much for tea, give me some all-American coffee any day!

Party down with Tea Jobs!

Peets Coffee & Tea--- 


Join the tea movement abroad. That's right, you can move out of the country and find a new job in India. And a new life- I might even help you pack your bags!!!
Look for tea jobs with Tata Tea Ltd.

And, because I know you love the country of Texas, I found a tea job there as well- with the Texas Education Agency- sounds very patriotic to me!


Monday, March 22, 2010

Whining about job loss ladies?? Well SNAP OUT OF IT!

Listen I know it's tough out there, but seriously, I am tired of having to hold your hand every step of the way. I need a little break. Maybe a vacation on an island with a pina colada whipped up by a hunky island guy who is slightly near-sighted so he can't see how old I am. Yes, that sounds wonderful! But, just so you don't fall apart while I jet away (in my mind) here's a gal who can whip you into shape career-wise. Take some deep breaths and meet my friend Angela of  It's A Chick Thing Coaching-----

Angela is a real, bona-fide career coach. (yes, I know, I'm an anti-career expert, but apparently not all of you are ready for that. Maybe after your midlfe cirises you will catch on.) ANYWAY, as I was saying, Angela's really got it going on and is funny and younger than me and she's damn smart- actually graduated from college and everything.!

Angela specializes in collaborating with young professional women just starting out or transitioning in their careers and who may be struggling to find their way through life...hey, that sounds like ME..20 years  and a few Botox injections down the road!

So let's give all of our attention to Angela while I'm gone, and if you start whining again that you hate your job and refuse to do anything about it Angela has my permission to slap you into shape. Angela, good luck, because I am grabbing my bathing suit and headed out the door!
Don't forget- check out Angela NOW!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Jobs for Soon-to-be-Fired Health Care Executives

Now that the  Health Care Bill has passed, we've been told that a ton of new jobs would be opening up out there for regular folks.

Data collected by Neeraj Sood, a professor at the University of Southern California who has looked at the impact of rising health care costs on employment, and David Cutler, a economist at Harvard University who has studied the impact of health care reform on care and insurance premiums  estimate that health care reform could produce, on average, 250,000 to 400,000 jobs a year over the next decade. Not bad, not bad at all. But we got to thinking...what about those health insurance executives who make a gazillion dollars a year? What will happen to them when they can't charge people $4,900 for a Band-aid? What will happen to their fancy jets and something called a pension? (We've heard of these things but don't know anyone who actually has one. Kind of like Bigfoot.)  So we got to feeling kind of sorry for these executives and we thought we would throw them a bone. Find them a job befitting their status and popularity with the American people. We wouldn't want to deny them anything like, umm, a job with health care now that they're now would we?
We just hope your last job doesn't count as a pre-existing condition on your resume!

1.Odor Tester
This job is not for anyone with their nose out of joint, so get over it, the people have spoken!, A chemist is almost like a doctor so you can say 'yeah' or 'No" to the smells of deodorants and anti-perspirants. Wow, great job we stink!
2. Hair Boiler
Who knew this job even existed? This lucky soul gets to boil various kinds of animal hair until it curls for later use. We know that burning hair smells terrible; but try to imagine what an open-sore smells like with no health care. Nice huh?
3. Waste Station/Water Treatment Worker
As a health care executive you're used to dealing with other peoples crap. You better hurry, a lot of you guys are qualified for this one!
4. Weed Farmer
 Weed farmers actually grow weeds rather than trying to get rid of them. They sell them to horticulture schools and labs so various people can do research and studies in the wonderful world of weeds. Kind of like health care and science all rolled into one!
5. Carney
This one is a no-brainer--- carney. The pay is decent, the scenery changes, and you get take advantage of young people by taking their money and offering them stuffed animals instead. As we said, no-brainer!.

Friday, March 12, 2010

You're Fired! Now Let Me Help You Find A Job....

It's what I live for.

SO..... for the past four days I have been in New York, pimping out the book and while I've been out and about, I've seen some pretty unhappy folks in their jobs.  Seriously people, is the money THAT important? Yes, I understand that homelessness will not get you laid, but it must suck to be you in that crappy job.

Example: There were at least six unhappy Puerto Rican girls in the Bloomingdale's dressing room that ALL seemed to hate their jobs..and I get it. It must not be fun to put up with snooty Manhattan socialites and Debs trying on slinky party dresses for events that said Puerto Rican girls are not invited to. That said, I would like to advise these young women that there are better jobs out there where they will wake up in the morning and put that sassy attitude to work.
Let me cho you.


Body Guard---


But, getting back to Bloomingdale's- because I did a few times- there was a salesman named  Abi, from Morocco, who seemed to LOVE his job. And, quell surprise, he works on commission only. (Shame on Bloomingdale's.) He had a great attitude and was friendly and patient to my friends and I.  He made our shopping day(s) a wonderful experience and he actually told me that he loved his job- on COMMISSION ONLY! wow, I am unworthy Abi.

Even though he didn't ask, just for fun, I found a few jobs for  positive guys who love selling woman's' shoes- oh yes,  Abi is in the shoe department, so I don't feel too sorry for him! Seriously,  I don't blame him for being happy- I would work there for free too!

Abi is one of the happiest working guys in New York City- so if you are at Bloomies, make sure to ask for him- he will make your day!

DSW Shoes---
Mystery Shoe Job ----

Oh, and just in case you want to work for free at Bloomingdales- here you go!