Thank You For Firing Me!

Thank You For Firing Me!
Available in fine bookstores now!

Buy My Book Here!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Librarians (and their Jobs) Are HOT!

"I love you madly, madly, Madam Librarian...Marian
It's a long lost cause I can never win
For the civilized world accepts as unforgivable sin
Any talking out loud with any librarian
Such as Marian.....Madam Librarian."

OK, so those lyrics are from a song from the musical, "The Music Man" written about 190 years years ago, but seriously, the Librarian was played by Shirley know, the mom on the Partridge Family...HOT!!!! (I know, the male lead was gay, but even, he was hot for the Librarian!)

So let's ask ourselves, WHY  are Librarians always cast as the smart hotties? Could it be that only they know the secrets of the Dewey Decimal System?  Sure. We’ve all got our preconceived notions about who Librarians are and what they do.  Many people think of Librarians as boring worker bees, shelving and “Shhh-ing” people. But hold the phone! Librarians have degrees.  They go to graduate school for Library and Information Science and become masters of data systems and Human-Computer Interaction.  Librarians can catalog anything--  They could catalog you.  Librarians wield universal powers. People become Librarians because they're too smart to go into politics.  Librarians are all-knowing and all-seeing.  They bring order to chaos.  They bring wisdom and culture to the masses and they protect the First Amendment like it was their baby.  Librarians rule. And no matter what their age-!

Sorry, I got  little carried away there, but so should you. Here's the deal; if you're smarter than say, EVERYONE, you too should be a librarian. Or maybe you already have that library degree and your budget was cut and your city was stupid enough to put you on the "Hold" shelf. So, because you taught us all how to read, we have some awesome jobs for you dear Librarian. And don't worry, you can never be replaced by a computer because you are...the original search engine.

Executive Director Bookmark and Share
Brooklyn Public Library,
Brooklyn, New York

Digital Initiatives/Metadata Librarian Bookmark and Share
Portland State University,
Portland, Oregon

Library Specialist Bookmark and Share
Contra Costa County Library,
Pleasant Hill, California

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I Need to Fire Myself.

Seriously. I have not blogged for a month. Is that any way to promote a book? I think not, so I am going to have ask myself to step into my office and say, "We need to talk."
Sigh. Nothing worse than firing yourself.

But I can take it. I've been fired by the best of them.
When I worked at the funeral parlour, my boss- an ex-stripper-now-funeral director, fired me for not doing my job. Not that SHE did her job, but the grand puba's in the Funeral Home wondered why there were bills from our office for parties. Well DUH, my boss was an ex-stripper! (as well as Miss Jugs, 1989.)
Someone had to take the fall. I got over it.

Another time I was fired from the 'Big and Tall Ladies Underwear Department' at a fancy store. I weighed 95 pounds. Hell, I couldn't even lift those panties. The clientele didn't really want a little skinny girl selling them girdles, so I got the old. "You just don't fit the job," talk. Pun probably not intended.

So, since I have been flying around the country trying to plan my first-born daughter's wedding and NOT promoting the book, so I should be fired. Or at least given a very stern talking to.

Jobs for fired writers:

Newspaper Delivery Jobs--;_ylc=X3oDMTEwc2ZoY2ZqBF9TAzM5NjUxMDMzNQRjYXQDT1RIBHBjb2RlAzU0OTI2?source=partner&scode=54926


And writers for porn

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Finding F***ing Mel Gibson a F***ing Job!

Well now Mr. Pottymouth, it looks like your anger is going to help you lose a 30-year career.
Mel Gibson, actor, director and producer, was recently dropped (Hollywood word for "Fired.") by his agent William Morris Endeavor Entertainment amid allegations that he assaulted and made death threats against his ex-girlfriend. This is so are not going to help in a new job search.

It looks like his new movie called, umm, 'Beaver,' is going to bomb and he has been quoted saying he has money problems.
("You're a f---ing mentally deprived idiot. You can't even f---ing figure it out, I'm paying the tax money instead of the credit card. Don't you get it?" he told his ex-lover.)

A a woman, I don't condone this behavior for one minute, but I am forgiving and always want to help people have second, third.... OK, I lost count, but I want to help people find a job. (It's a good thing that I'm not Russian, Jewish, African-American or Latino, because I might not be so forgiving.)

But on to finding Mad Max a new job.

I've got to admit, this one is going to take some soul searching. First off, Mel might not walk away with a good reference from his former employer- you know, the public- but there is hope.

 Mel's got some special skills.

While he probably wouldn't be a fit working in law enforcement, he does own a lot of guns.  Perhaps a job as a gunsmith or in firearm sales?

The actor who once stared in a movie called, "What Women Want," apparently doesn't know what women want, so any work in a woman's spa or salon is probably not a good career fit. But, since he's quick with his hands, how about finding a gig where he can spar for 8 hours a day?

And of course, everyone wants a job that they are passionate about,
So there you go- everyone deserves a job after they've screwed up and been fired- even a racist, sexist, narcissistic guy like Mel Gibson. And Mel, if none of these careers work out I have one final dream job that would be perfect for a swell guy like you:
  No need to call and thank me Mel. No really, DO NOT CALL ME!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Jobs Hot Enough to Melt Ice Caps

Do you want your job to do its part for the environment?

 Do you want a gig that can cool down even the biggest -of-shots? Are you touchy-feely and knead to have hands-on experience before you can accept any cash/paychecks?
Well, this is your lucky day!

According to the most recent report released by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, careers in the massage industry are in-demand. In fact, the report projects that the growth of massage therapist positions will increase by 19 percent through 2018.

Not bad for having to work on sweaty naked people. Or is it? Standing on your feet all day pounding-a-pound-of-flesh can be tiring. Sometimes your client can get the wrong idea..after all, they ARE naked.

But at the end of the day, working as a Massuse or Masseur (That's French you know. They have the best words.) for people thinking with their umm, heads, can be rewarding both monetarily and personally. That's what I hope for you all in this scary economy.
A happy ending.

Massage schools---

And because not everyone wants to go to college:

Thursday, June 24, 2010

General Jobs for Fired Generals

You know, no matter how indispensable you THINK you are, your ass can still be fired. I mean, sure you can come in late and take long-ass lunches and steal an office supply or two. Maybe you can even get away with drinking too much at the office Christmas party, but when it comes to covering up the death of a  professional football star-turned-star Army volunteer-- Pat Tillman-- killed by friendly fire and then diss your boss in Rolling Stone Magazine, well dude, I mean come on! Just because you wear a fancy suit with stars and ribbons and have a your own Jeep and a lot of people working under you doesn't mean you get to be a complete asshole and not get your comupance.

But, now that you've found yourself out on the street with the million of other folks who are jobless, take your pension and free-lifetime health care and look for another job. Hell, your wife probably doesn't want to give up those PX shopping privaleges so you better get back to work.

Lucky for you I have sympathy for your digressions because I think you've probably learned from your mistakes. (You know like don't cover up deaths and don't call out the Prez in magazines for stoner's. Just reminding you.)

With that said and moving on, put on some real clothes, say Dockers and a golf shirt, have a beer, tell your posse to go home and check out these jobs fit for a general. At ease soldier!

General Mills-

General Dynamics- 

General Tool & Supply Co-

General Store-

Monday, June 14, 2010

LADUMA! Let's Find You a Job in Soccer!

I love diski. When I'm not plugging the book or jolling I watch  the World Cup as often as I can.

If you are such a mampara and don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then you should find a job anywhere BUT in futbol! Or Football. OR for (us) Americans SOCCER!

If you want a job as in now-now, or even just-now-in this sport, then you should at least understand the slang of the people who are hosting the 2010 World Cup. Come on, put down that smiley, I mean I know they're fooken nca, bro, but you need a job! (OK, that was FUN!)

But seriously- more than a billion people are expected to follow the month long tournament between the world's top 32 (or is it 36? What do I know-I'm just a journalist.) soccer playing nations. That means there are a lot of people not working and you could possibly steal their jobs. OR you could find a job where you could show people how to play the game. (That might be a tad more sportsman-like.)
You could coach, referee or play for a paycheck. You could design soccer computer games, clothing or board games. You could conjure up soccer dishes or write soccer inspired songs or books. If you love soccer there is NOTHING that can stop you from finding or creating a job that co-mingles your passion for the sport with a paycheck.
Hayibo... are you paying attention to me or watching the game? Hey! Stop blowing on that annoying vuvuzela and apply for a damn job in soccer. (Go look this stuff up. There's a thing called the Internet. Sigh.)


and because soccer is so lekker-

Saturday, June 12, 2010

This is NOT Funny!

Well, it's kind of funny, but I didn't write it. It's a great book review from the Huffington Post on June 11. So  don't listen to ME when I tell you this book will help you in your job search. Listen to the Huff!

Book Review: Thank You for Firing Me

You've lost your job. Now what? That's the question put forth in Candice Reed and Kitty Martini's Thank You For Firing Me!: How to Catch the Next Wave of Success After You Lose Your Job. Granted there are dozens and dozens of books offering advice for people who are out of work, or those looking to change careers, but none of these really tell you it's okay to be out of work for a while. It's okay to take the time to figure out what you really want to do with your life. It's okay to sell your possessions and travel the world to take some time off. Thank You For Firing Me explores this side of being unemployed. Sure the statistics now are daunting: the Dow is in turmoil, unemployment is eking toward 10 percent, nearly 300,000 people sought unemployment assistance in April, and quite simply, people are struggling to make ends meet. The situation becomes even more daunting when you are faced with being laid off, fired, or simply take the risk and quit to try to find something better. People self-identify with their jobs and people make perceptions about others based on what they do. Assumptions are made if you're a lawyer, a banker, a waitress, or a construction worker. Are these assumptions fair? Maybe not, but they exist nonetheless. When you lose a job, you also lose a little bit of your identity. You ask questions, similar to those of a break up, and certainly go through the same emotions: what did I do wrong? What am I supposed to do now? How dare they do this to me; I don't deserve it. The authors themselves come from this world. Following a series of careers ranging from waitress to mortician, Reed finally found what she wanted to do with her life after landing a writing gig with a community newspaper in San Diego. Unfortunately, she tapped into her passion just as this industry was struggling to find revenues in an era of digital media and advertising. After struggling to find writing jobs after the paper folded, she and her husband decided to chuck it all and leave their native California for greener pastures. Martini is an entrepreneur and comedian, two worlds that have never been easy for people to "make it." While their advice partly comes from a place of personal experience, they have also done their homework to identify ways to conduct research, new and emerging industries, and educational resources that provide retraining opportunities for those looking to lay a foundation for a new career path in an entirely new industry. This book isn't about starting over again in a job that you really don't want just because you need the paycheck, or about continuing in a career because you don't know what else to do. Thank You For Firing Me! is about the process of learning about yourself and translating that into the career of your dreams. What are you passionate about? What motivates you? What did you love best about your past jobs? What didn't you like? Being honest with yourself and tackling these tough questions is step one. For many, the most challenging part about finding a new job is where to start. Reed and Martini explore new and emerging industries and challenge readers to think outside the box: are you a casual surfer whose worked a desk job all his life? Open a surf shop. Are you a woman who got laid off from a mid-management job at a financial services job but has always loved working outdoors? Throw those suits away and get outside. Thank You For Firing Me! is really about that - it's about taking a devastating experience and turning into one of the best things that can happen to you. Taking an often lighthearted and comical approach - Thank You For Firing Me! is full of resources for people trying to get back on track, personal anecdotes from people who really turned their lives around after being fired, and is likely to become a great resource for those looking to find the job of their dreams.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Your Job if You Decide to Accept It: Find Tipper a Date!

Let's face it---Al is going to have a hot babe on his arm by Father's Day, while Tipper is going to be staying up nights in that big-ass energy- wasting- house of hers looking for a guy on and hanging out with her neighbor Oprah snacking down on Costco-size bags of Cheetos's and Chardonnay.

I mean COME ON- I like her, but guys will immediately see that she's over 60, a few pounds overweight and  everyone in the Free World knows she doesn't like dirty lyrics in her music. (They will no doubt  figure she doesn't want to hear any nasty talk in the bedroom.)
They'll keep clicking until they find a girl who is waaaay to young for them, waaay to dumb for them and pick her, because everyone knows who the real Tipper is!

I think it's going to be a big job finding a man to replace Al. Oh sure he's kind of wooden, and 'that kiss' was kind of like watching your parents make-out-yuck- but he's rich, still has his hair, he loves chick-issues such as the environment and he's a BAZILLIONAIRE! So slam-dunk.

So, what I'm saying here is that you can make this very sad divorce for the Gore family into a very positive turn-of-events for YOU!

It's going to take someone with dating savvy to find Tipper a date. Someone with sense of humor because she was the 2nd Lady and she's probably a bit of a diva, but YOU COULD DO IT! (You've probably visited a few ahem, 'dating sites' since you were fired from your job, so you're kind of an expert by now, right?

Get this: Online dating has become a $1 billion a year business with tens of millions of users visiting dating sites in the U.S. every month. And as dating sites have become more popular, several online services have popped up to help users improve their chances of meeting people online which means, hence and furthermore, that there are jobs to be had with online dating sites!

Of course if you want the job of actually dating Tipper Gore, there's a site for you too... but dirty words!

Jobs at,Job&jvk=Job,Job&jvk=Job

And jobs at It's Just Lunch!

Jobs at eHarmony

And for all you Tipper Horndogs -- Majestic Males for Hire

Sunday, May 30, 2010

BP CEO Tony Hayward May Soon Need a New Job....

I mean he's got to be the most hated guy  on this side of the pond....the really black, oily, yucky and dying pond.

With everyone, and I mean everyone pissed at this guy for some reason or another, I think he should have a backup plan for employment- just in case his back-up, back-up plan for cleaning up the damn disaster doesn't  work out.

  Speaking at Stanford business school last year, Mr Hayward said, "“BP makes its money by someone, somewhere, every day putting on boots, overalls, a hard hat and glasses, and going out and turning valves,” he said. “And we’d sort of lost track of that.” So maybe he can start there. (As the spill worsened, Hayward also said "I don't believe it should [result in a ban], in the same way as Apollo 13 did not stop the space program nor have serious airline accidents from time to time stopped people flying." So the job as a grief counselor is probably out.)

I found a job for a Natural Gas Leak Survey Technician, because I think after this he might want to go out into the field and put on that hard-hat a goggles- so that no one will recognize him!

But then I thought, perhaps after seeing all those fish and birds and effing dolphins wash up on shore , he might want to give back and get a job helping the very creatures that his company is trying to wipe out. Just a thought.

I figure a guy making can afford a couple of warehouses full of Dawn Dishsoap, which is used to clean the oil-covered animals, so here is a link for you Tony!

But really, because this guy is really the biggest bloody wanker since the Earl of Bute (look it up) I think he should just be tarred and feathered- along with other ill-responsible BP mucketty mucks- and fired.  

BTW Tony, you should probably purchase a copy of Thank You for Firing Me! How to Catch the Next Wave of Success After You Lose Your Job. Pay special attention to Chapter 8- "Big Waves Ahead: Hot Green Industries Coming Your Way!"

Oh, and if you are looking for a gig with this nasty company, or you just really, really need a job, go ahead an apply. Just don't tell your friends where you work.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

You Need to be a Teeny Bit Crazy to Get a Job!

Times are tough in the job world and some people are going a little nuts when they can't find work.

I get it, it can make you a little loony when you have to pay bills with a negative bank account, have to pretend to be happy when you're out with your paycheck enhanced and employed friends and crazy when you find yourself taking gigs that you wouldn't even want your brother-in-law to have to do... right...crazy like a fox!

 That's right, craaaaazy! Just yesterday I was speaking to a friend I hadn't heard from since he lost his job 10 years ago with one of the world's biggest golf club makers. He was the 'Golden Boy' on the fast track to success, but something wasnt quit right. Literally. He went crazy. Bonkers. Wacky!

 He soon found himself heavily medicated and without a job. He was diagnosed with this and that, but I think he was unhappy in his job. Sure it paid well. Yes, he logged long hours, but he got to golf quite a bit and hang out with professional duffers (boooring!) but it wasn't his calling! He wasn't afraid of hard work- hell he was a store janitor when he was a teenager- but he wanted to be around horses. That was his calling!

A decade later he found his mind again (well, kind of.) and he is doing what he loves to do! He travels, he works with horses which he has done since he was a child and other like-minded horsey people and is writing a book. Not everyone can be out-of-their minds in this world of  15 million unemployed people, but if you're slightly sane, maybe you can take advantage of the other nut-jobs out there. It's worth a try.
Now go take your meds and apply for one of these gigs!

Mental Health Evaluator

Mental Health Staff

Patton State Hospital- the Creme de la Creme!

Golf if this game doesn't make you crazy!

And here's a Mulligan for you! 

PS- While you are contemplating life..or if you're in the loony bin, and you are looking for great book recommendation, check out Flashlight Worthy at 
Everything looks better with a good book!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

My Flight Attendent is so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.

I mean seriously!

I know that in this economy everyone wants to continue working, but if you can't make it down the aisle without limping or your wide-bodied rear-end knocks some guys drink off his tray, perhaps it's time to take your itty-bitty pension and retire to a nice little condo in Bocca. I mean, you'll still have those free flight comps, right?

But while flying recently my flight attendents did not look like they could open the damn bag of peaunuts, so it did nothing to make me think they could  tackle a terrorist. Or hell, a belligerant grannny either! And the extra baggage one flight attendent was carrying made me wonder if her boss charged HER 25 extra bucks every time she brought that ass on board.

I'm not trying to be mean, but here's the deal.(I don't have to try) At some point Boomers, we've got to step aside and let X and Y have their turn. It's a matter of survival of the fittest. If you can't do your job, find one that you CAN do. It's not fair to the kids who need that piss-poor paying gig that you've held on to since your min-skirt became a potholder.

A recent report by the Bureau of Labor predicted that the

employment of cabin crew members is expected to grow about as fast as the average for all occupations through the year 2012. Population growth and an improving economy are expected to boost the number of airline passengers.

But old timers- ya gotta let it go!

So, below are a few high-flying gigs for those UNDER the age of my mom and with a little less junk in the trunk.

It's the only way to fly!

 Jobs for sky-high jobs!

Airline Inflight Resources, a professional recruiting company devoted exclusively to airlines. She can be reached by e-mail at

AND, jobs for your former hot-pants wearing stewdesses!

Friday, April 2, 2010

Tattoo On...Tattoo Off...for money!

Jobs for tattoo artists are becoming quite popular due to the umm, sexy ladies that have been appearing in People Magazine and E! Make no mistake about it, the tattoo industry is hot right now. There are an estimated 20,000+ parlors operating in the United States, according to a U.S. News & World Report article, which said, on the average, an establishment is being added in the country every day. The article ranked tattooing as the sixth fastest growing retail venture of the 1990s, right behind Internet, paging services, bagels, computer and cell phones.

I mean, who doesn't want to be covered from head to toe in ink with faeries and butterflies...and scary Nazi propaganda and monkey butts...well you get the drift. People have some crazy imaginations and tattoo artists are talented and creative and there is money out there for them to collect. Kids want them, teens want them, moms want them and home wreckers want them.....or do they?

Imagine you were a biker in the 70's and you thought it was cool to have a tattoo that reads. " Free Mustache Rides" on your forehead and now you are trying to get a job as a teacher at an all girls school? Yeah, not bloody likely, right? Or maybe you were an obscure tattoo model from San Diego who had an affair with some really nice woman's husband and now everyone in America thinks you're a skank and you can't even go to the 7/11 for ciggies because your tattoos give you away.

So that brings me to another job opportunity- and that would be- tattoo removal tech
 Because how embarrassing it is for your kids when you show up at the PTA with "This Bitch Doesn't Fall Off!" tattooed on your arms. Yeah, not so pretty now, is it?

So, artists, put the paper away and get yourself hired at a tattoo parlor--and the rest of you, find a way to erase those mistakes for a paycheck!

Zee Plane, Zee Plane! (Yeah, this has nothing to do with jobs, but it's Tattoo from Fantasy Island and I can't get it out of my head. Now you have it in yours. My gift to you.)

Tattoo Jobs

Tattoo Removal Jobs---

Tattoo Removal Training---

Friday, March 26, 2010

Ex-Mistress Needs Work- Will for Once Promise to Behave....

With all these mistresses seemingly out of a job now, it looks as if I need to get involved. I mean there's Brigitte Daguerre, Melissa Smith, Michelle 'Bombshell' McGee, Devon James, Loredana Joli, Cori Rist, Rachel Uchitel...OK, all of this drama is wearing me out! But, I take my job as an anti-career expert seriously, so I want to find these young, umm, women a job befitting their stature.

What are their skills again? Hmm, let me check the web, be right back....OH, IS THAT WHAT THEY DO?
Umm, OK, I've got it! The perfect job!
Of course, as a mistress, they all want to be 'The One." But,as Star Magazine tells us, that's not always possible. So, I have found these pushy and tough young gals places to send their resumes---"That means a list of all your jobs Sweetie!"
 They all thought they were ' Head Mistress,' so I have found jobs for them to apply as...HEAD MISTRESS! (How smart am I? I know!)
 So ladies, here are a few, umm positions, that you might not be familiar with, but check it out, get a passport if applicable- there are a lot of people who would like you to leave the country, hint, hint- and reinvent yourself. You can do it and here's another big-ass hint: You don't need a man to get famous! DUH!

PS- Other than Pennsylvania, we have NO idea where these places are...but it's safe to say that TMZ won't be following you anymore....unless you screw up again. Sigh.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Join the Tea Party Movement and Earn an Honest Buck!

Do you want to protest unemployment?
Do you want to boycott joblessness?
Do you want to demonstrate your rights to work?
Well then get a freakin tea job! 

That's right, because what's more American than TEA? OK, well, Coke, and hot dogs and apple pie...and never mind! But TEA, it's such an important part of American history, right? There was that whole tea tossing episode into the Boston Harbor a thousand years ago or so...and now I hear there is this new wave of parties that celebrate tea. And teabags and other things I guess I don't understand, so I thought some of you would like to put down your signs and actually get a job. It seems that you people who like tea so much have a lot of time on your hands, so here are some diverse jobs in the tea biz that might interest you enough to stop being so mad all the time and change into some normal clothes. Sheeesh, take some deep breaths,  put on a pot of tea, grab an application and stop all the yelling.
As for me, I don't care much for tea, give me some all-American coffee any day!

Party down with Tea Jobs!

Peets Coffee & Tea--- 


Join the tea movement abroad. That's right, you can move out of the country and find a new job in India. And a new life- I might even help you pack your bags!!!
Look for tea jobs with Tata Tea Ltd.

And, because I know you love the country of Texas, I found a tea job there as well- with the Texas Education Agency- sounds very patriotic to me!


Monday, March 22, 2010

Whining about job loss ladies?? Well SNAP OUT OF IT!

Listen I know it's tough out there, but seriously, I am tired of having to hold your hand every step of the way. I need a little break. Maybe a vacation on an island with a pina colada whipped up by a hunky island guy who is slightly near-sighted so he can't see how old I am. Yes, that sounds wonderful! But, just so you don't fall apart while I jet away (in my mind) here's a gal who can whip you into shape career-wise. Take some deep breaths and meet my friend Angela of  It's A Chick Thing Coaching-----

Angela is a real, bona-fide career coach. (yes, I know, I'm an anti-career expert, but apparently not all of you are ready for that. Maybe after your midlfe cirises you will catch on.) ANYWAY, as I was saying, Angela's really got it going on and is funny and younger than me and she's damn smart- actually graduated from college and everything.!

Angela specializes in collaborating with young professional women just starting out or transitioning in their careers and who may be struggling to find their way through life...hey, that sounds like ME..20 years  and a few Botox injections down the road!

So let's give all of our attention to Angela while I'm gone, and if you start whining again that you hate your job and refuse to do anything about it Angela has my permission to slap you into shape. Angela, good luck, because I am grabbing my bathing suit and headed out the door!
Don't forget- check out Angela NOW!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Jobs for Soon-to-be-Fired Health Care Executives

Now that the  Health Care Bill has passed, we've been told that a ton of new jobs would be opening up out there for regular folks.

Data collected by Neeraj Sood, a professor at the University of Southern California who has looked at the impact of rising health care costs on employment, and David Cutler, a economist at Harvard University who has studied the impact of health care reform on care and insurance premiums  estimate that health care reform could produce, on average, 250,000 to 400,000 jobs a year over the next decade. Not bad, not bad at all. But we got to thinking...what about those health insurance executives who make a gazillion dollars a year? What will happen to them when they can't charge people $4,900 for a Band-aid? What will happen to their fancy jets and something called a pension? (We've heard of these things but don't know anyone who actually has one. Kind of like Bigfoot.)  So we got to feeling kind of sorry for these executives and we thought we would throw them a bone. Find them a job befitting their status and popularity with the American people. We wouldn't want to deny them anything like, umm, a job with health care now that they're now would we?
We just hope your last job doesn't count as a pre-existing condition on your resume!

1.Odor Tester
This job is not for anyone with their nose out of joint, so get over it, the people have spoken!, A chemist is almost like a doctor so you can say 'yeah' or 'No" to the smells of deodorants and anti-perspirants. Wow, great job we stink!
2. Hair Boiler
Who knew this job even existed? This lucky soul gets to boil various kinds of animal hair until it curls for later use. We know that burning hair smells terrible; but try to imagine what an open-sore smells like with no health care. Nice huh?
3. Waste Station/Water Treatment Worker
As a health care executive you're used to dealing with other peoples crap. You better hurry, a lot of you guys are qualified for this one!
4. Weed Farmer
 Weed farmers actually grow weeds rather than trying to get rid of them. They sell them to horticulture schools and labs so various people can do research and studies in the wonderful world of weeds. Kind of like health care and science all rolled into one!
5. Carney
This one is a no-brainer--- carney. The pay is decent, the scenery changes, and you get take advantage of young people by taking their money and offering them stuffed animals instead. As we said, no-brainer!.

Friday, March 12, 2010

You're Fired! Now Let Me Help You Find A Job....

It's what I live for.

SO..... for the past four days I have been in New York, pimping out the book and while I've been out and about, I've seen some pretty unhappy folks in their jobs.  Seriously people, is the money THAT important? Yes, I understand that homelessness will not get you laid, but it must suck to be you in that crappy job.

Example: There were at least six unhappy Puerto Rican girls in the Bloomingdale's dressing room that ALL seemed to hate their jobs..and I get it. It must not be fun to put up with snooty Manhattan socialites and Debs trying on slinky party dresses for events that said Puerto Rican girls are not invited to. That said, I would like to advise these young women that there are better jobs out there where they will wake up in the morning and put that sassy attitude to work.
Let me cho you.


Body Guard---


But, getting back to Bloomingdale's- because I did a few times- there was a salesman named  Abi, from Morocco, who seemed to LOVE his job. And, quell surprise, he works on commission only. (Shame on Bloomingdale's.) He had a great attitude and was friendly and patient to my friends and I.  He made our shopping day(s) a wonderful experience and he actually told me that he loved his job- on COMMISSION ONLY! wow, I am unworthy Abi.

Even though he didn't ask, just for fun, I found a few jobs for  positive guys who love selling woman's' shoes- oh yes,  Abi is in the shoe department, so I don't feel too sorry for him! Seriously,  I don't blame him for being happy- I would work there for free too!

Abi is one of the happiest working guys in New York City- so if you are at Bloomies, make sure to ask for him- he will make your day!

DSW Shoes---
Mystery Shoe Job ----

Oh, and just in case you want to work for free at Bloomingdales- here you go!

Saturday, February 27, 2010

What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up?

I wanted to be an actress, but mom and dad wouldn't send me to drama school. My back-up plan was to be a dancer but I had two left feet. But I really wanted to be a writer but no one told me I could be one. So for 20 years I had odd jobs such as singing waitress and funeral director until I woke up and said, "Hey I just remembered, I want to be a writer!" So I started writing. I bought books and read up on how to get published (this is before the magic machine called the Internet was invented.) and then I was soon published. Again, and again and well, thousands of times!
I finally got to be what I wanted to be.

So what are your dreams?

Did you want to be a cowboy? Because you still can be one! Here check it out dude! Toss the suit and put oh some of those hot leather chaps....

How about circus performer. Seriously, I know you used to dream of running away with the circus and of flying through the air, but before you take that leap, here are some places to learn how to update your circus skills:

Let's see, I know kids want to be teachers and firefighters and doctors and, umm lawyers (I almost couldn't write that one, but I'm trying to be unbiased.) so here are a couple of gigs for all you jobless dreamers. Get back to being a kid again and you might just find yourself happily employed.


Monday, February 15, 2010

Who's The Boss?


Or were. But now, you're only the boss of you. LOL! And maybe the cat. You sit around the house now in your tie and jacket and your boxers hoping that your ex-assistant will call with a list of job offers. You wait for the phone to ring with your old USC buddy on the other line with a sweet CEO gig at the biggest bank /mortgage/insurance company IN THE WORLD and you wait. And you wait.
But here's a clue, oh deposed one...GET UP OFF YOUR ASS AND FIND YOUR OWN JOB~! Sheesh. You're not the king/boss anymore so until you get back into a corner office with a view of your fiefdom and peasants and that hot office assistant in a short skirt/tight Hugo Boss're just like the rest of us. Unemployed. Jobless. Pathetic.
Not so great when it HAPPENED TO YOU NOW IS IT!!! Sorry, not very professional of us, but it's a little tough not to gloat after you were in charge of firing hundreds of workers, oh and quite possible US!. But, cause this is President's Day,  just this once we'll throw you a bone. We are an equal opportunity, umm, whatever we are. So we have some jobs listed here that you just might be qualified for. So pad that resume a little more, comb your hair grab your briefcase and get your ass moving! Hey, WAIT, get back in there and put on your pants....just like the rest of us!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

We LOVE Home-Based Businesses and HATE to Go to Work!

It's almost Valentine's Day and we LOVE to look pretty, eat chocolate, drink wine and have lot's of sex, so the idea came to us- why not SELL those things?

Don't you LOVE it?

We knew you would, so here are a few ideas to think about when trying to decide what type of home-based business you would LOVE to make your own business:

* Think about the things in life that you LOVE to do. Do you LOVE Shopping? Do you LOVE to drink? How about fooling around?
* When you get a little time to yourself, how do you choose to spend that time? What are you doing – other than watching TV or sleeping? (Maybe you should keep the answer to yourself, you know, TMI!)

Your answers to these questions give you a sense of what you LOVE to do! Your next task will be brainstorming ways in which you can turn one or more of those passions into a home based business or work at home job.

But before you scroll to our job ideas, make sure you do your homework and look out for what little money you have: check and double check the initial fee. If you’re buying into a home party business, ask what’s included in the startup kit. Look for plenty of samples, training materials and other tools that will help you host a successful party.

Ask whether there’s a buyback policy. Companies that are members of the DSA* must agree to buy back inventory from consultants within 12 months of the date of purchase at a minimum of 90 percent of the original net cost.

Make sure there’s a real product being sold. If you suspect it’s a pyramid scheme--where your time and money are devoted to recruiting and earning money off a downline, and there’s no product being sold or the product is worthless--keep looking.

Don’t feel pressured.Take time to think it over and decide it's something you are going to LOVE to do.

So we've listed a few home-based businesses that we thought you would LOVE and if you're successful, please mail us a few free samples. We Love FREE STUFF.

Ding, Dong, Mark Calling!

Not Like Your Kids Sleepovers!

Get Em' Drunk and Make Your Mortgage Payment

Oh God, What Could Be Better Than Dove Chocolate?

*Direct Selling Association's (DSA) NOT to be confused with the Democratic Socialists of America....well, maybe they ARE the same thing. Whatever.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Dear Academy Awards- Screw the Oscar, We Want a Job!

So the Academy Awards for 2010 were just announced and honestly? We don't care.
And why should we? These folks who are up for awards get to take a lot of time off to bask topless in the sun while dodging the press and then they have the NERVE to be picky about which job offer they are going to take. Besides that, they earn like a million, gazzillion dollars to play dress-up! And don't get us started on the Academy Awards Show! Seriously, we only like to watch when the hosts are on stage because we once saw Mel Griffin with our Nanny, so we have a thing for talk-show wonks. (Usually daytime or late-night hosts who are actually funny but get panned the next day by very unfunny critics....who we would like to fire!)

We suppose that if we were ever nominated for an award we wouldn't think it was so boring/narcissistic/painful to watch, but that's never going to happen, now is it? (still bitter over parents not sending us to drama school....could you tell?)

But, if you want to be a part of this circus, well we won't hold you back (ahem!) We want to support you in any crazy dream job you have! Because we love you. Oh yes we do!
So, here a a few jobs that have a connection to the Academy Awards and all things Hollywood. Good luck and do NOT forget to thank us in your acceptance speech!

Department Assistant/Public Liaison

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Bridezilla Handlers Needed

There may be a recession on people, but little girls still dream of getting married in a fancy white dress with lots of tulle and fairy lights and open bar and little appetizers. They dream of making their very best friends buy expensive ugly dresses that 'they can cut off and wear again' and they long to make their boyfriends sweat by renting a tux and trying to stay sober enough not to dance with the hookers at the bachelor party. They also dream of making their parents pay through the nose to rent the VFW Hall and buy rubber chicken for 200 of their closest friends. (DEEP BREATH.)

So if you have a degree in psychology and you've had a recent tetanus shot and you really don't want to go into the military, check out these jobs in the wedding industry. And because I am in the airport writing this after buying my daughter's wedding dress I don't think much is funny, I'll leave you with this joke:

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
--Robin Williams

Jobs in the Wedding Industry:

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Sorry Gen Y- Those Damn Boomers Won't Retire...

Or will they?

We know you're hurting kids. You're mom and dad promised you the world when you got bigger. They told you that you could be anything you wanted when you grew up. (They lied) Besides that, they told you if a boss was mean you should quit. They told you that no matter what you did you were a winner. (You're so not!) And to make matters worse, those damn boomers won't retire an so you can take their jobs, streamline the company and work from (your parents) home.

We hear you and we are kind of on your side. We are really tired of old dudes making our coffee and cranky-ass menopausal broads checking us out at Albertson's. Seriously- they scare us and they give us the evil eye if we buy more than one bottle of wine!
So here's your chance to find a job to get them out of the workforce and send them off to the Grateful Dead Home for old Rockers.

If you can't find a job in the top industries to steal money from these old farts who still think it's okay to wear tie-dye and not color their hair,you need to create one. These people still have money and they want to travel and if they do go into the home they want it to rock!
So if you really need a job, get out there and not only help grandma across the street, help her over the damn cliff!

Top Industries and a couple of jobs for Gen Y to take money from Boomers:


Retirement Homes- and

Travel- and

Monday, January 18, 2010

Quit Yer Bitchen and Invent Yourself a Job!

Posted by Candice and Kitty on the January 14th, 2010

We know it's tough out there people, you can't find a job that pays even
60K and you would feel like such a loser if you took that, but here, let
us help you out.

Raise your right hand cheek level - NOW SLAP YOURSELF!
In the wise words of Miss Cher, 'GET OVER IT!

We mean, here's a little reality check. Are you living in your folks nice
basement for free? Driving a 10-year-old car? Living in a tiny apartment in very cha-cha Manhattan?

Well try living in HAITI!


So, now that we've channeled your mom, let's see if we can take you down a
new career path. Let's see....what can you do? We've got it!


Wait, did you just roll your eyes at us? Because we're not doing this for
our health you know. We do have better things to do than find you a job.
We could umm, we could be.. well, that's none of your business, this is
about YOU not us!

Check it out: Thomas Edison didn't pop out of his mom's womb and run off
to invent the light bulb. Nope, he freaking sold candy and newspapers on
trains and later sold vegetables to keep from finding a real job while
he tried to invent things like the phonograph player (that's big iPod
for those of you who slept through History 101) and the motion picture
camera (camcorder Einstein) and of course, the light bulb.

Now, you don't have to invent something as super- cool as the Screaming
Super Simian Monkey Slingshot- or the very
chic metal detecting sandals, because people,
that's pure genius. But there are other ways to invent yourself a job.

Can you sew? Knit, bead or are you just plain crafty? Well get busy and
sell your crap, we mean crafts, that's what we meant, really- on Etsy.
This is the coolest place to sell all your handmade stuff that you've
been giving as gifts at Christmas because you don't have any money to
buy us a real present. So, if you sell 20 of those itchy fuchsia
scarves you gave us for our birthday last year, you could have bought
us, oh I don't know? a pair of those awesome metal detecting sandals!

Just a tip.

If you want to set up your own virtual store to sell you stuff or even
your music, go to and then send out a big
announcement to all your friends and family and you're in business.

So that's it for today kids. The reality of the job market out there is,
well, shitty, but if people listen to the authors of Thank You for
Firing Me! someday everyone can stop riding the
subway to a job they hate and instead stay at home in their PJ's and
make a living. (well, except for scientists, you need to go to the lab.
OK and maybe construction workers, you have to go to a job. Oh and
airline people, you need to...Never mind, stop annoying us and get to
Oh, and here's a shout-out to the sellers of that cool light bulb hat at Kudos to doing what you love to do!

Inglorious Banking Bastards

Posted by Candice and Kitty on the January 11th, 2010

The holiday season may be over, but don't be surprised if your local
bank head- honcho has a new Hummer in the driveway of his McMansion. Oh
yes, it's that time again boys and girls- BANK BONUS SEASON!
Last year the Bank CEO's at least pretended to look sheepish, but
according to the NYT it looks as if it will be one of the largest and
most controversial blowouts the industry has ever seen, check out this
So we say BOO on Bankers! Bankers Beware! Bad, Bad, Bankers, Blow?.
never mind. (We know, we're not very good at this stuff, but we don't
get a bonus!)

So, as we have said before, when you graduate from banking school, or
counting class, or whatever one must do to be in the money biz, GET A
Seriously. You might not make a zillion dollars, and you'll have to
share your bonus with your members (that's customers in CU-speak) but
hey, people won't spit at you when they hear you have a job as a
kind-of-sort-of-banker-person. (Apologies to Mark B. I still love you
even if you are a banker and if you get a big bonus it's OK, because
you are now (besides me) the best-dressed Dallas Street kid ever, and
every girl from high school still thinks she has a shot with you.)
But back to banking. No, not back to banking. Screw em! We were actually
first in this whole move your employment/money/trust to Credit Unions,
but we'll give the Huffington folks kuddos for making this video.
So, now that we've stepped off our soap box, here's a few jobs for you
money counters who need jobs. Oh, and because you're new, you're not
supposed to charge us the regular-people price of $25 when we bounce a
And a great resource to find the perfect Credit Union job!

Now Wanted: A Few Good Men

Posted by Candice and Kitty on the January 7th, 2010

We believe EVERYONE should be employed based on their talents and passion for the job. So, why should beautiful, sexy men not be able to make a living by putting their God-given talents to work? We say, give the beautiful men jobs too!

And so it shall be!

The Shady Lady Ranch in Tonopah, Nevada got the green light( should it not be red?) on Tuesday, Jan 5, to hire male prostitutes, or as madam Bobbi Davis calls them, 'service-oriented' guys willing to become Nevada's first legal male sex workers.?

In 2005, Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss announced that she was moving to Pahrump, in southern Nye County, in hopes of creating a 'stud farm.' She opened a Laundromat instead.


Just think, not only will you be providing a service that WE think is waaaay overdue, but you'll be providing a semi-legal service to all those female truck drivers out there who need a little love on the road. And, hey, if an occasional guy trucker happens to come into your room,
well, we are so not judging!

Ms. Davis has had about 100 applicants sent to her, so stop messing around on Craiglslist, pack your sunblock and high-tail it out to Tonopah! Oh, and if in a couple of months while we are out promoting our book (Thank You for Firing Me!) and our RV happens to stray off I-15,
give us a discount will ya stud?

For more information on hooking a job out at the Shady Lady:,0,7495471.story?track=rss

Top Jobs of 2010?What Actually is an Actuary?

January 6th, 2010

We thought it had something to do with birds.
According to a site called and the,being an actuary is about calculating statistics to determine probability and risk. YAWN! Oh sure, you make like 85K, which is what we sold our house in California for last year, but how exciting can that job be? Oh, and, according to the report, working on an oil rig as a roustabout is the worst, according to a study released on Tuesday. Yeah, all that physical exercise and sunshine can make life
really shitty.

We think these guys have it all wrong! So let's turn this thing upside
down, shall we?

The survey says! The worst jobs of 2010 are:
1. Roustabout
2. Lumberjack
3. Ironworker
4. Dairy farmer
5 Welder
6. Garbage collector
7. Taxi driver
8. Construction worker/laborer
9. Meter reader
10. Mail carrier
11. Butcher
12. Photojournalist
13. Firefighter
14. Sheet metal worker
15. Emergency medical technician
16. Stevedore
17. Reporter (newspaper) ? that hurts!
18. Sailor
19. Machinist
20. Choreographer

Wow- we see some elitism here. Damn, what's wrong with dairy farmer? OK, we get Stevedore, who wants to be gored by a bull? (not a bullfighter? Who cares, it's funny!) But sailor? What type
of sailor? The kind that cruises to Tahiti and back? The kind that drinks mai tais and has a chick in every port? Yeah, that sounds terrible! Wow, if you could actually aquire one of these jobs we think you would be happier than a pig in shit. Just saying.
But, if you were hired for one of these gigs:
1. Actuary
2. Software engineer
3. Computer systems analyst
4. Biologist
5. Historian
6. Mathematician
7. Paralegal assistant
8. Statistician
9. Accountant
10. Dental hygienist
11. Philosopher
12. Meteorologist
13. Technical writer
14. Bank officer
15. Web developer
16. Industrial engineer
17. Financial planner
18. Aerospace engineer
19. Pharmacist
20. Medical records technician

Whoa! Spasmatic! Lucky YOU!

Seriously? Dental hygienist? Accountant? Booooring! But hey, whatever. We want you all to find jobs, whether you are as dull as dirt or want to live on the edge. So here are a couple of jobs for all our fans. Boring or not. You're welcome!

Dairy Farmer-
Bank Officer (seriously? We're sending you out of the country for this
one. It's safer.)

Friday, January 15, 2010

Jobs of the Future or Futuristic Jobs?

Where is our flying car, that's what we would like to know!
There were promises made back in the early 1960's and as of yet, we haven't seen any flying by our house. (Well, one DID fly into our house recently, but that's a different story.)

Anyhoo, while we wait for these guys to invent one with that comes equipped with a cute pilot- we'll look at other gigs that look to the future for employment.

First off, we're not the biggest Sci-Fi fans- we're still afraid to
watch the Twilight Zone in the dark- but the jobs are starting to look
like George Jetson invented them. (You don't know George Jetson? Fine!)
We mean, Turanga Leela. (Comprede voo now?) Jobs for Robot builders and
Space Tour Guides are starting to turn up all over the galaxy. is gearing up to blast into space, and they will need some hardy folks who don't get airsick to help them point out stars and stuff. So keep your helmet close, Professor Quatermass, (What?
Don't get that reference either smarty-pants Gen Yer? Boy, would we kick
your butt in Trivial Pursuit!) OK, we mean keep your helmet close by... Nara. (Happy?) Either way, this job is for those with a bachelor's degree in aerospace engineering, or a relevant field, a love for adventure and a strong belief in human exploration.

For a salary range of $80,000 to $90,000, I believe, I believe!

Another futuristic job is robot builder. No not like building one out of
Lego's, but a real robot inventor. ARPA Grand Challenge robot cars and
student competitions like Botball and FIRST. Robots already work in some
research laboratories and factories. What will be the killer application
that brings them into every home. Salary is 80-90K and that will buy a
lot of WD-40 for Rosie the Robot. (Oh forget it! Just get a job!)

For more futuristic jobs and training, check out these sites:
And here's one more so you'll find a job and stop bothering us.
See you later Space Cowboy!