Thank You For Firing Me!

Thank You For Firing Me!
Available in fine bookstores now!

Buy My Book Here!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Bridezilla Handlers Needed


There may be a recession on people, but little girls still dream of getting married in a fancy white dress with lots of tulle and fairy lights and open bar and little appetizers. They dream of making their very best friends buy expensive ugly dresses that 'they can cut off and wear again' and they long to make their boyfriends sweat by renting a tux and trying to stay sober enough not to dance with the hookers at the bachelor party. They also dream of making their parents pay through the nose to rent the VFW Hall and buy rubber chicken for 200 of their closest friends. (DEEP BREATH.)

So if you have a degree in psychology and you've had a recent tetanus shot and you really don't want to go into the military, check out these jobs in the wedding industry. And because I am in the airport writing this after buying my daughter's wedding dress I don't think much is funny, I'll leave you with this joke:


Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
--Robin Williams

Jobs in the Wedding Industry:

http://about.indeed.com/jobs?q=wedding+coordinator&sort=
https://www.hrapply.com/mgmmirage/AppJobView.jsp?link=127194&electronic_referral=indeed

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Sorry Gen Y- Those Damn Boomers Won't Retire...


Or will they?

We know you're hurting kids. You're mom and dad promised you the world when you got bigger. They told you that you could be anything you wanted when you grew up. (They lied) Besides that, they told you if a boss was mean you should quit. They told you that no matter what you did you were a winner. (You're so not!) And to make matters worse, those damn boomers won't retire an so you can take their jobs, streamline the company and work from (your parents) home.


We hear you and we are kind of on your side. We are really tired of old dudes making our coffee and cranky-ass menopausal broads checking us out at Albertson's. Seriously- they scare us and they give us the evil eye if we buy more than one bottle of wine!
So here's your chance to find a job to get them out of the workforce and send them off to the Grateful Dead Home for old Rockers.

If you can't find a job in the top industries to steal money from these old farts who still think it's okay to wear tie-dye and not color their hair,you need to create one. These people still have money and they want to travel and if they do go into the home they want it to rock!
So if you really need a job, get out there and not only help grandma across the street, help her over the damn cliff!

Top Industries and a couple of jobs for Gen Y to take money from Boomers:

Healthcare-http://www.franchisegator.com/CareMinders-Home-Care-franchise/
http://www.medhunting.com/

Retirement Homes- www.seniorhousingjobs.com/ and http://www.atriaseniorliving.com/careers_at_atria.aspx

Travel- http://www.quintcareers.com/hospitality_jobs.html and http://www.vantagetravel.com/StaticPages/aboutus/careers.aspx

Monday, January 18, 2010

Quit Yer Bitchen and Invent Yourself a Job!


Posted by Candice and Kitty on the January 14th, 2010

We know it's tough out there people, you can't find a job that pays even
60K and you would feel like such a loser if you took that, but here, let
us help you out.

Raise your right hand cheek level - NOW SLAP YOURSELF!
In the wise words of Miss Cher, 'GET OVER IT!

We mean, here's a little reality check. Are you living in your folks nice
basement for free? Driving a 10-year-old car? Living in a tiny apartment in very cha-cha Manhattan?

Well try living in HAITI!

Seriously!

So, now that we've channeled your mom, let's see if we can take you down a
new career path. Let's see....what can you do? We've got it!

You can INVENT/CREATE SOMETHING!

Wait, did you just roll your eyes at us? Because we're not doing this for
our health you know. We do have better things to do than find you a job.
We could umm, we could be.. well, that's none of your business, this is
about YOU not us!

Check it out: Thomas Edison didn't pop out of his mom's womb and run off
to invent the light bulb. Nope, he freaking sold candy and newspapers on
trains and later sold vegetables to keep from finding a real job while
he tried to invent things like the phonograph player (that's big iPod
for those of you who slept through History 101) and the motion picture
camera (camcorder Einstein) and of course, the light bulb.

Now, you don't have to invent something as super- cool as the Screaming
Super Simian Monkey Slingshot- http://tinyurl.com/29agr8- or the very
chic metal detecting sandals http://tinyurl.com/nlujd3, because people,
that's pure genius. But there are other ways to invent yourself a job.

Can you sew? Knit, bead or are you just plain crafty? Well get busy and
sell your crap, we mean crafts, that's what we meant, really- on Etsy. http://www.etsy.com/.
This is the coolest place to sell all your handmade stuff that you've
been giving as gifts at Christmas because you don't have any money to
buy us a real present. So, if you sell 20 of those itchy fuchsia
scarves you gave us for our birthday last year, you could have bought
us, oh I don't know? a pair of those awesome metal detecting sandals!

Just a tip.

If you want to set up your own virtual store to sell you stuff or even
your music, go to http://bigcartel.com/ and then send out a big
announcement to all your friends and family and you're in business.

So that's it for today kids. The reality of the job market out there is,
well, shitty, but if people listen to the authors of Thank You for
Firing Me!thankyouforfiringme.org someday everyone can stop riding the
subway to a job they hate and instead stay at home in their PJ's and
make a living. (well, except for scientists, you need to go to the lab.
OK and maybe construction workers, you have to go to a job. Oh and
airline people, you need to...Never mind, stop annoying us and get to
work!)
Oh, and here's a shout-out to the sellers of that cool light bulb hat at
foureyesjokeshop.com. Kudos to doing what you love to do!

Inglorious Banking Bastards


Posted by Candice and Kitty on the January 11th, 2010

The holiday season may be over, but don't be surprised if your local
bank head- honcho has a new Hummer in the driveway of his McMansion. Oh
yes, it's that time again boys and girls- BANK BONUS SEASON!
Last year the Bank CEO's at least pretended to look sheepish, but
according to the NYT it looks as if it will be one of the largest and
most controversial blowouts the industry has ever seen, check out this
nugget!


http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/10/business/10pay.html?dbk
So we say BOO on Bankers! Bankers Beware! Bad, Bad, Bankers, Blow?.
never mind. (We know, we're not very good at this stuff, but we don't
get a bonus!)

So, as we have said before, when you graduate from banking school, or
counting class, or whatever one must do to be in the money biz, GET A
JOB AT A CREDIT UNION!
Seriously. You might not make a zillion dollars, and you'll have to
share your bonus with your members (that's customers in CU-speak) but
hey, people won't spit at you when they hear you have a job as a
kind-of-sort-of-banker-person. (Apologies to Mark B. I still love you
even if you are a banker and if you get a big bonus it's OK, because
you are now (besides me) the best-dressed Dallas Street kid ever, and
every girl from high school still thinks she has a shot with you.)
But back to banking. No, not back to banking. Screw em! We were actually
first in this whole move your employment/money/trust to Credit Unions,
but we'll give the Huffington folks kuddos for making this video. http://moveyourmoney.info/
So, now that we've stepped off our soap box, here's a few jobs for you
money counters who need jobs. Oh, and because you're new, you're not
supposed to charge us the regular-people price of $25 when we bounce a
check!
CREDIT UNION GIGS!
http://www.cuhire.com/
http://www.usecu.org/home/abo/car
http://www.navyfederal.org/about/careers.html
And a great resource to find the perfect Credit Union job!
www.cutimes.com/

Now Wanted: A Few Good Men


Posted by Candice and Kitty on the January 7th, 2010

We believe EVERYONE should be employed based on their talents and passion for the job. So, why should beautiful, sexy men not be able to make a living by putting their God-given talents to work? We say, give the beautiful men jobs too!

And so it shall be!

The Shady Lady Ranch in Tonopah, Nevada got the green light( should it not be red?) on Tuesday, Jan 5, to hire male prostitutes, or as madam Bobbi Davis calls them, 'service-oriented' guys willing to become Nevada's first legal male sex workers.?

In 2005, Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss announced that she was moving to Pahrump, in southern Nye County, in hopes of creating a 'stud farm.' She opened a Laundromat instead.

SO, HOT DAMN!

Just think, not only will you be providing a service that WE think is waaaay overdue, but you'll be providing a semi-legal service to all those female truck drivers out there who need a little love on the road. And, hey, if an occasional guy trucker happens to come into your room,
well, we are so not judging!

Ms. Davis has had about 100 applicants sent to her, so stop messing around on Craiglslist, pack your sunblock and high-tail it out to Tonopah! Oh, and if in a couple of months while we are out promoting our book (Thank You for Firing Me!) and our RV happens to stray off I-15,
give us a discount will ya stud?

For more information on hooking a job out at the Shady Lady: http://www.shadyladyranch.com/main.html
http://www.latimes.com/news/nation-and-world/la-na-male-prostitutes6-2010jan06,0,7495471.story?track=rss
http://www.tonopahnevada.com/

Top Jobs of 2010?What Actually is an Actuary?


January 6th, 2010

We thought it had something to do with birds.
Nope.
According to a site called Careercast.com and the wallstreetjournal.com,being an actuary is about calculating statistics to determine probability and risk. YAWN! Oh sure, you make like 85K, which is what we sold our house in California for last year, but how exciting can that job be? Oh, and, according to the report, working on an oil rig as a roustabout is the worst, according to a study released on Tuesday. Yeah, all that physical exercise and sunshine can make life
really shitty.

We think these guys have it all wrong! So let's turn this thing upside
down, shall we?

The survey says! The worst jobs of 2010 are:
1. Roustabout
2. Lumberjack
3. Ironworker
4. Dairy farmer
5 Welder
6. Garbage collector
7. Taxi driver
8. Construction worker/laborer
9. Meter reader
10. Mail carrier
11. Butcher
12. Photojournalist
13. Firefighter
14. Sheet metal worker
15. Emergency medical technician
16. Stevedore
17. Reporter (newspaper) ? that hurts!
18. Sailor
19. Machinist
20. Choreographer

Wow- we see some elitism here. Damn, what's wrong with dairy farmer? OK, we get Stevedore, who wants to be gored by a bull? (not a bullfighter? Who cares, it's funny!) But sailor? What type
of sailor? The kind that cruises to Tahiti and back? The kind that drinks mai tais and has a chick in every port? Yeah, that sounds terrible! Wow, if you could actually aquire one of these jobs we think you would be happier than a pig in shit. Just saying.
But, if you were hired for one of these gigs:
1. Actuary
2. Software engineer
3. Computer systems analyst
4. Biologist
5. Historian
6. Mathematician
7. Paralegal assistant
8. Statistician
9. Accountant
10. Dental hygienist
11. Philosopher
12. Meteorologist
13. Technical writer
14. Bank officer
15. Web developer
16. Industrial engineer
17. Financial planner
18. Aerospace engineer
19. Pharmacist
20. Medical records technician

Whoa! Spasmatic! Lucky YOU!

Seriously? Dental hygienist? Accountant? Booooring! But hey, whatever. We want you all to find jobs, whether you are as dull as dirt or want to live on the edge. So here are a couple of jobs for all our fans. Boring or not. You're welcome!

Mudlogger- http://www.worldwideworker.com/job-details?job=105426
Dairy Farmer-http://www.agri-man.com/
Historian- http://tinyurl.com/ydqe44g
Bank Officer (seriously? We're sending you out of the country for this
one. It's safer.) http://jobs.efinancialcareers.com/job-4000000000587873.htm

Friday, January 15, 2010

Jobs of the Future or Futuristic Jobs?


Where is our flying car, that's what we would like to know!
There were promises made back in the early 1960's and as of yet, we haven't seen any flying by our house. (Well, one DID fly into our house recently, but that's a different story.)

Anyhoo, while we wait for these guys to invent one with that comes equipped with a cute pilot- http://www.terrafugia.com/ we'll look at other gigs that look to the future for employment.

First off, we're not the biggest Sci-Fi fans- we're still afraid to
watch the Twilight Zone in the dark- but the jobs are starting to look
like George Jetson invented them. (You don't know George Jetson? Fine!)
We mean, Turanga Leela. (Comprede voo now?) Jobs for Robot builders and
Space Tour Guides are starting to turn up all over the galaxy. Spaceadventures.com is gearing up to blast into space, and they will need some hardy folks who don't get airsick to help them point out stars and stuff. So keep your helmet close, Professor Quatermass, (What?
Don't get that reference either smarty-pants Gen Yer? Boy, would we kick
your butt in Trivial Pursuit!) OK, we mean keep your helmet close by... Nara. (Happy?) Either way, this job is for those with a bachelor's degree in aerospace engineering, or a relevant field, a love for adventure and a strong belief in human exploration.

For a salary range of $80,000 to $90,000, I believe, I believe!

Another futuristic job is robot builder. No not like building one out of
Lego's, but a real robot inventor. ARPA Grand Challenge robot cars and
student competitions like Botball and FIRST. Robots already work in some
research laboratories and factories. What will be the killer application
that brings them into every home. Salary is 80-90K and that will buy a
lot of WD-40 for Rosie the Robot. (Oh forget it! Just get a job!)

For more futuristic jobs and training, check out these sites: http://www.sme.org/ri
and http://www.robotics.org
And here's one more so you'll find a job and stop bothering us. http://nasajobs.nasa.gov/
See you later Space Cowboy!

Instant Cash- Nothing to Sneeze at... or is it?


So seriously- how are you feeling these days? Down-in-the-dumps because you can't find a job? A little dizzy because you're hungry? Got the sniffles because the gas company turned your heat off? Are your feet hurting because you're pounding the pavement everyday looking for employment?

GOOD!

That's right, we said Good! All these ailments can bring in the dough if you become a paid
volunteer in a clinical trial.

No joke! If you have bunions, an Orange County CA team will pay you up to 400 bucks for a chance to umm, well, we don't know but it's $400... and they're bunions!

Another clinical trial company will pay you cash to let them yank out your wisdom teeth, something you don't need anyway.

You don't actually have to have diabetes/asthma/hot flashes/penile erectile dysfunction or bad breath-but it would help.

There are studies all over the country listed here for the healthy and infirm. We have a friend who made $30,000 last year sleeping, drinking booze, being poked, probed and zapped. But he loved the jobs and he's probably writing a damn book which will be made into a feature film
staring Meryl Streep while we plod along dishing out advice. Sigh. ..will' ..not..be..bitter.
Anyway- here's a chance to make some money and possibly get healthy. If you can't quite bring yourself to be a guinea pig, go and sign out Grandpa from the 'home' and take him to the Alzheimer's clinical trial in Los Angeles. He'll get $2500 which he has no need for and won't
remember he got it AND you'll get an extra $50 just for sitting in the waiting room. Come on, he won't tell and he'll be happy if you buy him an ice cream on the way home.

Good luck- just don't let them actually turn you into a guinea pig; they
won't be paying you that much!

Craigslist and alternative newspapers are a great resource for clinical
trial volunteering. Her are a few from us to you!
http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/etc/1515727716.html Bunion Trial
http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/etc/1532265812.html Alzhiemers
http://dallas.craigslist.org/dal/etc/1519672485.html Dallas
And the big one- http://clinicaltrials.gov/

PS- Don't use a service that charges YOU money..SCAMMERS!

Turn on the Weather Guy. Otherwise Rain Storm May Result in Your Untimely Death!


It's a few days after the Christmas holiday and it's snowing while one of us writes this. It was supposed to be sunny for at least one more week. Down South, where the other one of us lives it was supposed to rain but it's 65 and sunny!

WTF?

We'll tell you WTF- we all turn to the weather person to tell us what to wear and how to plan our lives and for the most part, they get it wrong. Seriously, the weather guy up HERE looks outside and calls it-how tough is that? (http://www.kozi.com/)
And the weather guy down South- John Coleman the weatherman at KUSI in San Diego, California, is quoted on his site saying "Being a TV weatherman in San Diego is an outrageous scam." Uh-huh.

As Nicholas Cage said in the movie, 'Weatherman', "My job's very easy, two hours a day, basically reading prompts. I receive a large reward for pretty much zero effort and contribution."

So there ya go! Great job, right?

But wait, it gets mo betta!

If you are hired as a weather person you can change your name to something like this:
Flip Spiceland, NBC WXIA, Atlanta, Ga.
Storm Field, WWOR (UPN), Secaucus, N.J.
Topper Shutt, WUSA (CBS), Washington, D.C.
Johnny Mountain, KCBS, Los Angeles
Sam Champion, WABC, New York, N.Y.
Joe Bastardi, AccuWeather
Dallas Raines, KABC, Los Angeles
Ray Ban, The Weather Channel
Rick Dickert, KTTV (FOX), Los Angeles

We figure that the basic job description of a weather reporter is to go on TV and guess what mother nature is about to do. How hard can that be?

Recently we heard a weather dude brag, "This is 67 percent accurate, plus or minus 10 degrees." So he is telling us the temperature in a range of 11 degrees only two thirds of the time. So accuracy doesn't count! Apparently this is the only job in the world where you can be
wrong on a daily basis and still have a job. As long as you have a flashy smile and come across as charming/crazy/sexy to the viewing audience you can keep predicting crap.

Where do we sign up?

So here's what we did. We braved the cold front and found some great weather jobs for you.
Don't thank us, just try and get the friggen weather right for a change.
I am so tired of wearing my hot pants out to the Ladies NRA luncheon
when it's 25 and snowing because I am just too damn dumb to look
outside and think for myself.
Jobs:
weatherchannel.com
accuweather.com
And this is our favorite because this is where all weather folks should end up!
Raytheon Polar Services-Experience Antarctica- www8.jobirn.com